The Anna Nicole Show Fan Site

Episode Guide

Episode 24:
“Milk and Pickles”

Anna Nicole makes a bold comeback in the world of nude modeling -- only this time, she's working the other side of the lens, for Larry Flynt instead of Hef, and she gets to have everything her milky way.
(Aired May 18, 2003)

The Anna Nicole Show

Anna Nicole Smith has often stated that she never wants to pose nude for a men's magazine again. Setting aside any nonsense about her being "too fat" to do it anymore, it's just that she wants to put that part of her career behind her and move on. And she's burned her bridges with Playboy after Hefner's empire mistreated her in the years following her Playmate of the Year title. But now she's made some new friends at Hustler, a magazine better suited to her present-day persona, and they've offered her a chance to return to nudie photos shoots -- on the other side of the lens.

"If I could meet anybody I wanted, I would pick Marilyn Monroe, Homer Simpson and Larry Flynt," Anna Nicole says. "But seeing as Marilyn Monroe is dead, and I don't think Homer is real, I thought it would be cool to have lunch with Larry Flynt."

By the way, she listed The Simpsons as her favorite TV show way back on her 1992 Playmate Data Sheet, so she's a really die-hard fan. I don't know why that show hasn't had her on as a celebrity guest voice already -- she'd be perfect. Then she could say she's met two out of three of her idols.

The Anna Nicole Show We've seen Anna Nicole's fondness for the Hustler Store and its garments over the course of the series, so I suppose it was only a matter of time before she hooked up the man himself. She meets Larry for lunch at his Hustler Casino in Gardena, California. Larry greets her with a "Hi, gorgeous," and she seems genuinely thrilled and star-struck to be in his presence.

Right off the bat, she asks him how his paralysis has affected his usage of his "organ." Larry happily explains that he performs just fine with the assistance of an implant for erections. This news delights Anna Nicole. "So what's the kinkiest thing you've ever, ever done?" Larry just stares into the middle distance, hopelessly stumped. I guess it's like asking the Pope what's the most religious thing he's ever done.

Larry does revels that the most women he has ever been with at one time is twenty. Anna Nicole shares an anecdote about her experience with group sex, explaining than an old boyfriend like for her to bring girls home and he would watch and pleasure himself while she got it on with the girls. "Uh-oh, did I just say that on camera?" Anna Nicole says, catching herself being more candid than even she like to be. "Uh, I re-take that back."

So Larry has this "crazy idea" to revive a past Hustler feature where celebrities get to direct a photo shoot for the magazine. Anna Nicole says she'd love to do it. "Direct a photo shoot? If that means bossin' people around, I'm in."

Larry takes Anna Nicole upstairs to his office, where they flip through photos of potential models for her layout. On the whole she is unimpressed with how extremely young and skinny the models look. "Where are the women around here?" she ponders. None of them are Anna Nicole Smiths, that's for damn sure. And that's why I've never been much of a fan of Larry's mag.

On the day of the photo shoot, Anna Nicole is all pumped up with excitement. After discussing her strict "grooming parameters" for the models during the limo ride with Howard and Kim, she meets Clive McLean, the Hustler photographer who will be doing the shoot with her. The layout is going to have a country and Western theme, with two girls having fun in a mocked-up barn set. Anna Nicole informs Clive of the special props she will be requiring: "A bunch of milk, a bunch of pickles."

Clive figures she's making a catering request until she explains that these items are for the girls. "Oh, I see what you're doing," the Scotsman says, suddenly enlightened. "You're putting your own little favorites into the shoot."

Anna Nicole posing in hay Anna Nicole scopes out the barn set with Clive and Howard, thinking about poses for the girls. She is interested in having the models roll around in the hay, but Clive warns her that hay is difficult on their bare skin. Of course, he doesn't need to tell her that. "I've shot in hay," she says with authority. "It's really hard but it's beautiful pictures."

Then she inspects the various props on hand, including a horse bridle, whips, and the inevitable strap-ons. The models, Hannah and Mercedes, emerge in their robes and put on the skimpy Western outfits that they won't be wearing for very long. First they're going to shoot the cover, and as Anna Nicole learns, "You can't show nipple on the cover of Hustler." With all their bits of clothing strategically taped down, the blonde and brunette pose with Anna Nicole running the camera.

"Sexy..." she instructs from behind the tripod. "I want to see sex in those eyes. You want to f*** the camera. C'mon, f*** me, f*** me."

"I never say that to them," Clive laughs. After Anna Nicole has shot a roll of film, Clive gets to take his turn shooting the cover. He shouts out more articulate direction to the girls, getting them to turn around and put their hands on different areas of each other's bodies. The expanded range of poses gets Anna Nicole royally steamed.

"That's not fair," she complains. "You get a better shot than I did."

"Well, I'm sorry, but I'm good at this stuff," Clive snaps and keeps on shooting without missing a beat.

Anna Nicole storms away and pouts on a sofa in the back of the studio. "They were touchin' each other's asses! Nobody told me the girls could touch each other's asses. I felt like I got gypped." She cries to Howard about feeling shortchanged by Clive, and he calls an art director on the set to help them out. Anna Nicole then acts embarrassed, like she doesn't want Howard to make a big fuss about it. This is the kind of problem Anna Nicole always has with being in charge: she has no trouble bossing Howard and Kimmie around, but it's tough for her to assert herself around people she doesn't know well.

Clive takes time out to listen to Anna Nicole's issues and tries to be understanding. He says she should have let him shoot first, so she could learn the rules of what they can and can't do. He offers to take his ego out of the equation and serve as the technical medium to capture Anna Nicole's ideas. This seems to satisfy her, and she's ready to get back to work.

But Howard persists with Clive, telling him Anna Nicole wants to be the one taking some of the pictures as well. "She can do that, too," Clive says, beginning to lose his patience. "I just want you to bear in mind that I have to get a layout out of this, too."

"Howard, just let him do his work," she yells, overhearing Howard's demands while her makeup guy Troy cleans up her tear-streaked mascara.

Anna Nicole seems to forget about her little tantrum and gets into the professional pornographer spirit. The models' clothes come off, and the remainder of the photo shoot footage is a miasma of pixelation shielding the basic-cable audience from nudity. I'm in full agreement here, because I wouldn't want to look at these girls' pathetically undernourished bodies, anyway. Skeletons with big fake boobs.

Anna Nicole gives them impassioned direction, mainly telling them to fuck the camera and imagine they're fucking or how much they want to fuck, etc. It's funny that she never calls the girls by their names or forms any bond with them, since she should be able to empathize entirely with the situation they are working in. She just says things like, "The one with the black hair, push your butt out more." Maybe she feels the need to keep her distance from them and treat them like props, to keep from reliving her past.

Hannah gets the bridle put over her shoulders and a bit stuck in her mouth, while Mercedes holds the reins from behind. "Look scared," Anna Nicole advises Hannah. "Scream with your eyes." Next Mercedes tries out a strap-on. Then there is some action with a double-dong, although the censorship makes it impossible to tell what exactly. Clive and the staff are very conscientious about keeping track of which end of the dildo went where.

But heck, all of that stuff is de rigueur for Hustler. Anna Nicole finally gets the opportunity to put her imprimatur on the photo shoot with the pickle shot. Hannah and Mercedes take opposite ends of a big dill pickle in their mouths, and Anna Nicole unnecessarily tells them to pretend it's something besides a pickle. Clive calls out, "Let's see a streamer," which must be industry jargon for letting saliva (or other fluids) run in strings between one's mouth and a nearby foreign object. The girls can do it on command. A male staffer standing behind Anna Nicole ravenously consumes a pickle while gawking at the scene with rapt attention.

Anna Nicole has a harder time selling the models on her other food fantasy. "We're coming up on the milk shot, which is my favorite shot," she says, beaming. "I thought of it on the way up here." She talks to Hannah about pouring milk all over her her hair and her naked body, and how it's going to be all sexy and "like Bo Derek." Clive explains that Hannah is concerned about the milk being too cold.

"Screw the temperature!" Anna Nicole thunders. "Think of the shot you're gonna have." First they were wimpy about lying in the hay, and now this. She must be very disappointed in these models' poor work ethic. She knows a model has to sacrifice comfort for the sake of getting the best possible photograph.

Apparently Mercedes was the least enthusiastic about the milk. "The other girl doesn't want to do it," Anna Nicole tells us, rolling her eyes, "which, she's dumb, because the other girl's gonna be much more sexier, because wet hair, and, you know, it's gonna be va-va-va-voom!"

At any rate, Anna Nicole must have successfully negotiated with the models, because the milk ends up going everywhere except in Mercedes's hair. Standing on a carton out of frame, Anna Nicole pours a jug all over Mercedes's open mouth and down her body, then lets Hannah have it on her breasts and then in her hair. For a moment, Hannah's face and entire upper body are blanketed in white.

"Whooo!" Anna Nicole cheers triumphantly. "That is hot! That is hot!" So she had trouble at first flexing her editorial muscles, but all's well that ends well.

Anna Nicole visits the Flynt Publications offices and reviews the photos with Larry. While they inspect the slides with loupes on a light table, a female staffer offers her appraisal: "I think this is like the nastiest girl/girl that we've had in a long time."

"The nastiest," Larry agrees. "God, Anna, you're worse than Hefner."

Larry seems genuinely impressed. "I had told the photographers, I said, 'This is not your photo shoot, this is Anna's. So don't interfere,' you know. 'You can feel free to make suggestions.' The result was, it came out clearly as a photo shoot that she directed."

Larry and Anna Nicole evaluate three different cover shot mock-ups, and he asks her which one she likes best. Ironically, she points to one of the "stupid" shots where the girls are both facing forward, rather than the ones where they're touching each other's butts. Larry agrees that it's the one for the cover.

"I think I may have shot that one," Anna Nicole says.

While saying their goodbyes, Larry asks her if she's a good cook. "Am I a good cook? You better damn well believe it."

"How 'bout having me over for dinner sometime?" Larry asks hopefully.

In the closer from her bedroom, Anna Nicole tells us, "There's something about Larry that I really like. I just can't put my finger on it." And the camera pulls back to reveal a wall portrait of her beloved J. Howard Marshall II. I never thought I'd live to see the day when she would make a joke about having the hots for old guys in wheelchairs. It just goes to show, there's no way to predict what Anna Nicole Smith's going to do next.

Who knows, maybe she'll even change her mind about her retirement from nude modeling. God knows she can still kick any Hustler chick's skinny little ass in front of a camera. Maybe she should do lunch with the editors of Plumpers & Big Women...

Anna Nicole Says...
Grossed out by a Hustler photo: "What is that, an alien p***y?"
To Larry Flynt: "Can you use your organ? I mean, can you use your, your you-know-what? Your penis?"
"So you can feel it, and you can use it? All right! All right! Go, Larry! Go, Larry!"
"I had a boyfriend once who used to make me go out to clubs and get gals... and bring 'em back home and he would go upstairs while I was doing the gals and he would whack off while I would do the gals. That was his thing."
"Bottom line, I liked the idea of directing my own photo shoot, and it was going to be sexy and classy."
"Can I do muff diving and all that stuff?"
"Who's gonna get to see and shoot some naked women today?"
"If I see a nasty f***'in hairy p***y, I am going to have to tell them to go f***in' clean themselves, first of all, and shave that s**t off and come back and let's start over."
To the posing Hustler models: "F*** the camera, f*** the camera. You want sex. You want to f***. C'mon you're f***ing the boyfriend right now. F*** this camera right here."
"I've never seen a double dong done before, and I'm gonna get it seen today, baby. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm so excited."
"That's how you do a pickle shot."
"Me and Clive made a great team. He definitely knows all about the lights and the cameras, and I definitely know about sex and what's sexy."

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