The Anna Nicole Show Fan Site

Episode Guide

Episode 21:
“Judge Not”

One of Anna Nicole's favorite TV stars gives her the chance to get back at all those mean, nasty judges by becoming one herself, and that's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
(Aired April 27, 2003)

The Anna Nicole Show

Of all the Season Two pastiches of other reality shows, this episode's special "crossover" with Texas Justice is the best and the funniest. It works for many reasons: Anna Nicole is Texan, and renowned for her experience in legal matters; aside from the set-up, very little of the action is scripted or prefabricated; and the court cases give Anna Nicole an opportunity to interact with people who are much dumber and weirder than she is, which always produces hilarious results. You'd have to have a completely irrational hatred of Anna Nicole Smith -- and life in general -- not to bust out laughing repeatedly during this classic.

The Anna Nicole Show The contrived premise is that Anna Nicole needs to buy some new cowboy boots for an appearance on The Tonight Show, so the gang goes shopping at King's Western Wear. There they run into Judge Larry Joe Doherty, star of the syndicated Texas Justice program, who says he's in L.A. on a publicity tour. Anna Nicole tells him she's an avid viewer of his show, and Larry Joe thanks her for helping his ratings, although he doesn't mention whether he watches her show in return. When Anna Nicole mentions that she would love to be a judge, and he invites her to come sit in on some local cases he's going to be considering to take back to Texas for taping. Since these cases don't involve any money, Larry Joe says she's welcome to "mess with 'em." Anna Nicole enthusiastically accepts his offer.

Of course, the chance meeting at the western store is poppycock. In an article in the Houston Chronicle, Larry Joe said he flew to L.A. specifically to appear on the show, at the request of his famous fan: "She told her producers she wanted to see what judging was like."

Having never seen Texas Justice before, I watched a couple of shows in preparation for this episode. Larry Joe Doherty is definitely no Judge Wapner; he's more of a cross between Ross Perot and Dr. Phil. The atmosphere of the program is informal and non-ceremonial. The litigants are permitted to address the bench as "Judge Larry Joe" rather than "Your Honor," and Larry Joe gives the plaintiffs and defendants wide latitude to rail viciously at each other. They're more likely to be called to order by the surly bailiff, William, who editorializes on the testimony by smirking and scowling and trading wisecracks with the judge. Instead of sticking to the facts of jurisprudence. Larry Joe has a tendency to get personal with the litigants, asking them to examine the psychological roots of their disputes. With former friends or lovers, he's always interested in knowing why their relationships went wrong and whether they still love each other, deep down inside. It's a wacky show, sort of like Jerry Springer with a robe and a gavel. No wonder Anna Nicole is a big fan.

Howard volunteers to be the "clown" with a microphone who interviews the litigants after their case is decided. Since William is back in Houston, Larry Joe enlists Kim to be his bailiff. Howard skeptically asks the judge if those people who bring their cases on Texas Justice are real. What a colossal pot-kettle-black irony for Howard to pose this condescending question while in the midst of setting up a fictional "storyline" on Anna Nicole's show.

"We don't let 'em on unless they're real," Larry Joe replies. "Do you think they're marginally insane? They're your neighbors. These are the people that you work with on a daily basis."

"Or work for," Howard quips. Anna Nicole smiles graciously at the jab.

Larry Joe goes on to assure her that she is capable of being a judge for a day. "If you've got a sense of fairness in your heart, you're as qualified as any judge, 'cause most of them had their hearts removed before they got on the bench."

"I hear that!" Anna Nicole concurs, drawing on extensive first-hand knowledge.

Before making her judicial debut, Anna Nicole goes to do her guest spot on the Leno show. It turns out she doesn't need those new boots at all. She has been chosen to be the Tonight Show's mystery celebrity Easter Bunny. Apparently it's a tradition on the show to put a celebrity in a bunny suit and let the audience ask yes-or-no questions to deduce his or her identity.

The big furry outfit is understandably toasty once Anna Nicole gets dressed backstage, and she has to fan herself to keep from overheating. But instead of bitching about the hot suit, she merrily gets into character: "All the little good girls and good boys get good Easter Bunny eggs, if you're very, very good to the Easter Bunny! Which is me!"

During the taping, the guy Leno picks to interrogate the Easter Bunny asks if there are any hot chicks on her show. The question stymies Anna Nicole and she shrugs. I don't know why she didn't point to herself in response, unless it was a momentary lapse of heat-induced modesty. The guy finally guesses that the Easter Bunny is Dolly Parton. We only got to see one of his questions, so maybe he asked if she had big boobs. Then Anna Nicole pulls off the bunny head to reveal herself, and the audience cheers. America loves her.

Next it's time to do some judgin'. In his makeshift chambers, Judge Larry Joe gives Anna Nicole the run-down on the cases and courtroom procedures. Howard gets his lawyerly panties in a wad worrying that the parties she rules against might sue her, but Larry Joe assures him that she's protected by judicial immunity.

The Anna Nicole Show "I don't know what the hell 'judicical immunity' is," Anna Nicole says, "but I sure wanted to throw the book at somebody."

Hear ye, hear ye, that's exactly what she does. Decked out in full bailiff regalia except for the gun (and with Sugar Pie's travel bag slung over her shoulder), Kimmie makes the grand announcement: "All rise! The honorable Anna Nicole Smith presiding." The judge takes her seat at the bench with Larry Joe by her side. Larry Joe asks the litigants if they agree to let Anna Nicole handle their arbitration, and it seems everyone was happy to consent.

Dan vs. Eric: "The Case of the Scrutinized Scrotum." Dan is fed up with his former roommate's longstanding practice of not wearing underwear and allowing his private parts to hang out of his loose shorts. Dan could tolerate Eric's "freeballing" when they were living together, but now that Dan has his own place (and is married with an infant son, which was not mentioned in the show), he demands that Eric put on some tighty whities or stop coming over. Eric refuses, arguing that he's "just a man."

Judge Smith rules that Dan has to buy Eric some underwear and Eric has to wear it when he visits. "I could care less about freeballin'," she says afterwards. "It's not like I hang out with anybody who has any balls." Cue Howard nuzzling Sugar Pie in the courtroom like a wussy, to the tune of his familiar tuba theme. After the decision, Howard asks the litigants if Dan is maybe paying too much attention to Eric's crotch.

Daryl vs. Dave: "The Case of the Roguishly Ransacked Rouge." Anna Nicole seems excited about this case because it concerns one of her areas of personal expertise: makeup. Daryl and Dave are fellow thespians involved in a series of "children's theater 'scared straight' sort of presentations." Dave recently played Coco the Clown in a cautionary drama about the dangers of playing in the street. (Upcoming projects include "sharp objects" and "fireworks can blow your eyes out.") Daryl charges that Dave has used up too much of his cosmetics case to create his clown makeup and copious amounts of fake blood.

Judge Smith less concerned with who should replace the makeup than she is with replacing the kit Daryl keeps it in. "I think that you should trash that box, for one thing," she says, deeply offended by the sad state of the dilapidated makeup kit. "It's hideous. I'd rather carry my makeup in a trash bag."

When Howard interviews Dave and Daryl afterwards, Dave rifles through to makeup case to show how crappy it is, and ends up dumping most of its contents on the floor. He hands the box to Daryl, and Daryl girlishly shoves it back at him in an impotent fit of rage. Howard casts aspersions on Dave's merits as a theatrical performer, but somehow restrains himself from mentioning Daryl's atrocious hairpiece, which is even uglier than his makeup box.

Erich vs. Mr. X: "The Case of the Inconsiderate Incognito Imbecile." Erich complains about the loud late-night parties his neighbor is always throwing in their West Hollywood apartment building. The neighbor, identified only as "Mr. X," has come to court wearing sunglasses and a Krispy Kreme T-shirt. Anna Nicole is growing more comfortable with her judicial authority, ordering Mr. X to talk to her and not to the plaintiff. Then she makes him take his shades off so she can see his weasly eyes.

Mr. X counter-charges that Erich is a wimp for going to bed so early, which proves to be a foolish accusation. "Sometimes I go to bed at 10," Judge Smith says. "Are you calling me a loser, too?" Mr. X whines no.

Finally, Larry Joe intervenes and suggests one of his warm and fuzzy conflict resolutions: the two men just need to hug. So they do.

Constantine vs. Ethan: "The Case of the Perniciously Pooch-Piss Poisoned Plant." About a year ago, Constantine bought an "exotic plant" and set it out in front of his house. About six months ago, Ethan moved into the neighborhood with his dog, who enjoys urinating on Constantine's plant. This has caused the "fussy" plant to deteriorate badly. Ethan retorts that it's not an exotic plant, and Constantine bought it at Home Depot for $19.99. When Anna Nicole asks him how he knows that, Ethan says he was with him when he bought it. So did they know each other before Ethan moved to Constantine's neighborhood? Ethan calls it a "stupid" plant, and Constantine says, "Plant not stupid. You stupid."

Judge Smith has to bang the gavel to get them to simmer down, yelling "Hello? Hello?" rather than "Order! Order!" She issues a complicated ruling that Constantine has to move the plant and Ethan has to get a new leash for his dog, or something. But really, who cares?

"I think Sugar Pie got it right, there," Howard tells Ethan and Constantine after the decision. "You two guys are both idiots."

That evening, the gang unwinds from their hard day in court by dining at the Smoke House restaurant with Larry Joe. He imparts the primary rule of being a good judge: "Often wrong, but never in doubt."

"So Anna's been a judge her whole life," Howard observes. And he has a point. Anna Nicole is often wrong, often angry, often fearful, often confused, but always resolute in her convictions about everything. Self-doubt is not an emotion that muddies what she thinks and feels.

After dinner, Larry Joe wants to play a CD for Anna Nicole. Once the two judges finally figure out how to work the limo's sound system, we hear Larry Joe performing a country ballad he co-wrote, called "I Like Being in Love Again." Like Anna Nicole, he too is an individual of many diverse talents.

This episode will go down in legal precedent as one of the funniest ever. It was such a refreshing change of pace to see Anna Nicole judging some of the assholes of the world, instead of the assholes of the world judging her.

Anna Nicole Says...
"Kimmie's gonna get some Easter Bunny eggs, but Howard's not gonna get no Easter Bunny eggs."
"I don't know what the hell a 'yahoo' is, but I knew I could be a judge."
"I was nervous. I mean, I've been in plenty of courtrooms, just never on this side of the bench."
"So why do you go over there and let your balls hang out?"
"And that's my order, and whack it!"
"Did you just call me 'Dude'?"
"I enjoyed my day as a judge. It was a lot of fun. Maybe I should start thinking about a new career."

The Anna Nicole Show Fan Site

This unofficial fan site is not affiliated with E! or Anna Nicole Smith.

© 2003 Lard Biscuit Enterprises