The Anna Nicole Show Fan Site

Episode Guide

Episode 11:
“War Games”

Anna Nicole plays hard & dirty in paintball, at a sex shop and on a game show, while Bobby and Howard both look ridiculous when they try to fight in each other's arena.
(Aired October 20, 2002)

The Anna Nicole Show

As we go hurtling headlong towards the season finale (but not the series finale -- hurray!), this antepenultimate episode is clearly an effort to cram in as many loose ends as possible. With the two remaining shows evidently devoted to Anna Nicole's dating dramas and the final judgment of Bobby Trendy, the producers have rounded up all the other best bits worth putting on the air in this big grab-bag. Most episodes have comprised about three different principal stories/events, in typical three-act sitcom fashion, whereas this one throws together seven or eight distinct vignettes. And that's not a bad thing -- it was an exciting change of pace that kept me wondering what the hell was going to happen next. Lots of action, lots of sexual content, lots of fighting.... all the things that make The Anna Nicole Show great.

The Anna Nicole Show We kick things off at a paintball arena. Anna Nicole prefaces this segment by expressing her fondness for guns that naturally stems from her Texas raising. "When I was about 18, my stepdad took me to a shooting range and showed me how to shoot a gun," she says. "It's a big rush. You just feel really... good!" There's a brief clip of Anna Nicole firing off a few rounds at a shooting range, incongruously decked out in the elegant gown she wore on The Tonight Show in Episode 8. Her fans have seen her handle firearms in the low-budget action flicks To the Limit and Skyscraper, but here we discover that her marksmanship wasn't just faked for the cameras. The bullet holes riddling her paper target are respectably accurate.

"We went and shot paintball, and I wanted to see if it was a rush or not," Anna Nicole explains. She, Kimmie and Angie team up against Howard, Daniel and Frankie. A paintball instructor shows them how to operate the semi-automatic guns that fire paint pellets at an insane speed. The gang get outfitted in jumpsuits and safety masks that hide their faces, but with her tufts of blonde hair tied up in a pink scarf and her big butt filling out the backside of her camouflage fatigues, there's no mistaking which masked warrior is Anna Nicole.

The battle commences, and Anna Nicole is immediately unleashing a full guerrilla offensive. We get no indication of who and how many people she tagged, but the body count must have been pretty high. Howard later offers high praise for her combat skills: "Rambo-style, straightforward, just left and right killing people off." Sadly, Anna Nicole is not the sole survivor of the contest. "I got hit! In the hair!" she concedes, and her cold-blooded slayer is none other than Frankie.

Surprisingly, Anna Nicole is quite a good sport about getting eliminated and doesn't argue or throw a tantrum at all. I believe it would have been a different story if Howard or Kimmie had been the one who shot her. As Kim wrote in her online diary, "Anna doesn't like to lose to (or in front of) her clan," and this insight seems to explain a lot about her behavior. Anna Nicole is the leader of her pack, the queen bee, and she can't abide being bested by her underlings. But since Frankie isn't "family," she can affably tolerate defeat at his hands.

After paintball, Anna Nicole says, "I had to go home and get ready because we were going to the theater." No, she hasn't gotten all cultured on us -- the dramatic entertainment for the evening is entitled Puppetry of the Penis. Billed as "The Ancient Art of Genital Origami," this performance act was created by two Australian brothers with an unusual flair for manipulating and contorting their units in public. Attending the show with Anna Nicole, Kim and Howard are two new members of the posse, a bald hairdresser named Guy and a blond chick named J.J. who is introduced as "Anna's Friend." The squealing Guy seems even more excited over the spectacle of the dancing penises than Anna Nicole is.

"I'd never seen a guy play with their manlihood like that before," she comments. "It was very... interesting." I just wonder why poor Howard never gets to stay home for these nights out that are best left to the girls and the gay guys.

The Anna Nicole Show Later that evening, the crew goes shopping at the Hustler Store in Hollywood. Anna Nicole is like a kid in a candy store, picking out clothes, sex toys, and even a big paddle with the word "SPANK" emblazoned in metal studs. Guy helps her strap a big pair of furry butterfly wings on her back. "Watch this! I'm going to run around the store!" she exclaims, flapping her wings. Now, most women wouldn't look right wearing gaudy butterfly wings over their street clothes, but Anna Nicole makes it work. She looks perfectly adorable, and the color even matches her leopard outfit.

But the best part comes when Anna Nicole spies a specialty item being demonstrated behind a glass case: a fancy vibrator fashioned like a realistic human tongue. Overcome with disbelief and awe, she pitches a fit over the mechanical wonder. "I want that one!" she gasps. "Oh my God! Kimmie! Look! We could get that!" The cybernetic tongue is obviously a dream come true for her.

In the background of this scene you can spot Howard and J.J. with their arms around each other. Maybe J.J. is actually more Howard's friend than Anna Nicole's... or maybe she's just one of those chicks who likes hanging all over guys for no reason. It would certainly alter the dynamics of the show if Howard suddenly had a girlfriend, but for now that question remains unanswered. Anna Nicole tops off her nasty shopping spree with a big, floppy red penis-shaped pillow, an item that Bobby Trendy might be interested in stocking at his store. And that brings us to our next segment...

Back at the house, while Anna Nicole is getting her hair done for an appearance, Howard presents a letter he has received from Bobby's attorney. "We have been informed that you have threatened the principal of Bobby and have been terrorizing him," Howard reads, barely containing himself. "We hereby demand that you cease and desist your threats to Bobby and all your intimidation efforts," etc., etc.

Throughout the recitation, Howard and Anna Nicole wear expressions of glee rather than indignation. Anna Nicole can laugh it off because the letter is directed at Howard rather than herself, and also because even she knows how full of shit this legal correspondence is. Howard is just licking his chops, because Bobby has brought their fight into his arena."You know what? That's a hearing I would love to go through!" he says upon finishing the letter. "That's just beautiful."

What's wonderfully ironic is that Bobby has always complained about Howard invading his professional sphere, saying "I'm the decorator here, you don't know anything about decorating," and all that. But now Bobby has really fucked up by doing the same wrong against Howard, thinking he can out-lawyer the lawyer. That ain't gonna work. If this ridiculous case goes to court, Howard knows he can crush Bobby like a little ladybug.

The Anna Nicole Show At this point Anna Nicole goes to make her appearance on Hollywood Squares, the crappy-ass game show that made a competitive event out of agreeing or disagreeing with the wisdom of celebrities. Backstage she meets Ellen DeGeneres, who presently has the honor of serving as the show's center square. (Wow, good gig.) Ellen's alleged brand of comedy might be charitably described as "deadpan" and "stream-of-consciousness," but it just seems to me like she mindlessly runs her mouth without concern as to whether she has anything to say. Oh yeah, and she's got that whole lesbian thing going. I'm not even going to speculate on whether Ellen found Anna Nicole attractive, because I just don't care.

Anna Nicole appeared in the upper right square along with Kim and Sugar Pie, for only two shows of Hollywood Squares instead of the full week of five. While Kimmie was ostensibly there to help Anna Nicole with any difficult questions, the purple-haired assistant only got the chance to speak once during their appearances. Also, I have to note that Kim looked prettier on the Hollywood Squares than she's ever looked before, sporting a nice make-up job for her hour in the spotlight. For the record, no contestant ever managed to score an X or O for themselves in Anna Nicole and Kim's square.

I'm glad the Hollywood Squares segment was kept brief on this show, but my one regret is that we didn't get to see any behind-the-scenes interaction with Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, or his creator Robert Smigel (who has since lampooned Anna Nicole with his "The Smurfette Show" cartoon on Saturday Night Live). I really think there could have been a love connection between that wisecracking hound and Sugar Pie.

While Anna Nicole and the gang are out, Bobby Trendy drops by the house with some more pillows and crap. Anna Nicole's friend Christian who is watching the house has been instructed not to let Bobby in. Bobby's cool with that, so he just leaves the pillows with Christian. Walking back to his convertible, Bobby tells his companion, "I'm so glad Anna made me so famous and more rich."

The Anna Nicole Show Later on, Howard decides to vent his anger at the suddenly litigious decorator by impersonating Bobby Trendy. Howard's performance isn't his most inspired display of wit, and he definitely could have found a more authentic Bobby Trendy costume than a feathery pink housecoat from Anna Nicole's wardrobe, but it's still funny. The most hilarious part is the cuing of the Bobby Trendy theme music when Howard appears at the door. Anna Nicole gets into the role-playing act by cursing and complaining at "Bobby," while Daniel participates as the decorator's loyal assistant, "Daniela."

Howard's best line: "I'm not here to be judged! I may be a decorator, and I may be in the personal services industry, and you may be my client, but I'm not here to be judged!"

All that hilarity would typically be enough content to fill up a 22-minute episode, but there's still more to come, as the Howard vs. Bobby animosity comes to a head in a most unexpected setting. Anna Nicole gets invited to an "Anna Nicole lookalike show" at a gay nightclub, and guess what? Bobby Trendy is also invited as a guest of honor, seated in a booth right next to Anna Nicole's party. Yes, this is as much of a genuine sitcom set-up for zany hijinks as the series has ever brought forth.

Bobby Trendy notwithstanding, Anna Nicole enjoys some deep symbiotic relationship with gay guys. They love her and she loves them, so much so that she considers it "a real honor" to have drag queens dressing up like her. The M.C. brings her up on stage to survey the parade of "ladies," and she appears to be having a fine old time. But you can sense the tension from the presence of Bobby and his entourage.

After the show, Anna Nicole poses for pictures with the drag queens, along with Howard and Kim. Then along comes Bobby, unbidden, determined to put himself in there as a member of the Anna Nicole gang. Undeterred by Howard's groans of protest, Bobby plasters a big grin on his face and inanely spouts his catchphrase, "Say yes for pink!" It is an obnoxious and somewhat pathetic sight.

Out of the blue, Bobby feigns that he wants to make up with Howard and "bury the hatchet." Howard is having none of it. The letter from Bobby's attorney has severed their relationship, and he can't believe Bobby wants to pal around after threatening to put a restraining order on him. The unease escalates into a round of verbal jousting, as Howard insults Bobby's acne-scarred complexion and Bobby put down Howard's big nose.

This episode sheds a lot of light on Bobby Trendy and what makes him tick. Now we understand that he has always been playing for the cameras and working very hard to promote himself for personal gain. Sometimes it's seemed like Howard and Anna Nicole were overreacting to his shortcomings, but that's because we've only seen him when he's putting on his show for the cameras. The single time before when we've caught him off-guard was his snotty phone message in Episode 7, which he never expected to air on TV.

Anna Nicole is no fool when it comes to Bobby, and she's figured out his little game. During the limo ride home, the gang is discussing how to get the last remaining items Bobby owes her. Anna Nicole has a shrewd proposal: "What we'll do is say, 'Bobby, you can bring the stuff now, but the cameras'll be here, so you might want to wait until later.' And he'll be over there in five minutes."

Sure, he's been funny and entertaining to watch and everything, but deep down Bobby is little more than an opportunistic parasite milking the windfall of fame and fortune The Anna Nicole Show has brought him. And that's going to come back to bite him in the ass.

Anna Nicole Says...
"Tabloids! This one says I'm a sex-crazed maniac. You know, I don't care what's written about me, so long as it ain't true."
"Shooting a gun makes you feel really like you're in control."
On shooting range targets: "I used to have on my door, you know those papers that you shoot? I had 'Enter at Your Own Risk' and I had put holes all in it!"
"Puppetary [sic] of the Penis was definitely not a turn-on."
On selecting an S&M paddle: "We definitely want Spanky!"
"Hey, where are the strap-ons?"
Browsing through sex toys: "I gotta get my lawyer -- my friend -- a p***y."
"Hey, could I add a penis pillow?"
On entering the set of Hollywood Squares: "It made me feel really good with everyone cheering and yelling my name, and I was like 'Woo-hoo!'"
On the drag queens' tribute: "It feels really neat. I mean, it's an honor to have someone dress up like you, you know? It's a real honor."
"I can't be mean to people, Howard."
On Bobby Trendy: "He acts like he did my whole room. All he did was give me a f***in' pink bed!"

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